Bear in mind that you put the advanced critique preference on. There is too much he said, she said for a poem. That kinda stuff is a big no-no in prose and so it really dosent fit here. Try to tell us the story in a meaningful, alternative way that dosent rely on first and third person narration. It dosent make for a good poem and this dosent have enough flesh otherwise to be a good story.

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Burn Your Flags

I did indeed put the advanced critique preference on, and thank you for giving it rather than going "this is crap".

It's kind of meant to be boring. Cohabiting life is not always exciting and passionate... sometimes it's about just being thankful that life plods along, thus the poem plods along. I didn't intend this to be a great poem or an epic or something where people would go 'WOW!'. It's not intended to be a 'good story', just a small aside from a five minute conversation. Not that I need to excuse myself, I suppose; I'm happy with it regardless of whether it's well-received. I'm honestly glad and grateful for your critique; not being part of the target audience of this piece, it is understandable and expected that you would not like it.

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It took me another read to grasp it, because I was confused at first by the fact that there were two people talking. Doi! I should read more poems, ne?
When I got the composition and dialogue (it's not that hard if you try afterall) and could understand the meaning behind what was being said, I enjoyed it.

I am confused that one of the comments here says 'he said/ she said' is a big no-no in prose. I think there needs to be another perspective on that point. I can't help thinking it's wrong. Sometimes- like in a poem such as this- saying 'he says/she says' is important- especially if characters are talking. XD!
Not all poems should be read easily I don't think. If you're forced to read it again and again until you understand it- it's all the better and more enjoyable when you do. No devices are 'wrong' in poems.

I think this is a nice moment between two people in love.
Someone able to bring characters talking into a poem with rhythm like this is wonderful.
I think it works really well.

It's so romantic! To me it's kind of like this... I'd rather do nothing with someone I loved than everything by myself.
That's what I got from it.

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I like this.

Break the rules, make a he said/she said poem. In this case it works as it solidly depicts a more sedate moment in a couple's life. I've been here, I have felt this, and you've laid it out perfectly.

I'm a firm believer in following your heart, and your muse... rules be damned.

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^{I'm Like A Needle To The Vein}

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