deviant art





Login
Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour Lost Password?
Deviant Login
Shop
 Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
[x]

More from *ghostlove

Featured in Groups:

Details

September 9, 2006
1.4 KB
Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 23
Favourites: 4 [who?]
Views: 529 (0 today)
Downloads: 23 (0 today)
[x]


I could write...

by *ghostlove

I could write the typical love song - you know the one,
of minds merged, souls converged, of loveseats and heartbeats,
of rose blossoms and gold, 'to have and to hold';
I could repeat sentiments, far too often told.
I could write a lyrical love song - one made for a tune,
for wedding dances, longing glances, hot romances;
for love found or lost, for lovers star-crossed,
I could sing a song which would move you, at most.

I can't write with innocence, this is no light affair.
Won't promise the stars, I can only reach so far.
I'm not a fortress, no hero, I can't save your soul
Your every happiness isn't in my control.
I can't write with absolute conviction, I can't
promise there'll be no friction, restriction
I can't give you the earth, I'm one human being,
and with love and its cohorts there's no guaranteeing.

What I will do, is love you the best way I can;
To raise you, amaze you, enthral and daze you,
To be here forever, through every endeavour,
To be with you always, wherever, however.
What I will do is be there through all of life's blows,
To hold you and shield you from misfortune's woes,
Stay truthful, stay faithful, stay loyal and true,
Show you trust eternal and let love's light shine through.
:iconghostlove:
The first stanza of this flowed. The second was difficult. The third damn near killed me... and it shows. I've never had to work so damn hard on a piece of writing only to be unhappy with the end result. It seems forced, I know that. Any constructive criticism would really, really be appreciated.
:icon:
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

love 1 1 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconcaptainquirk:
I like how it's more realistic and down to earth than most love poems/songs. As for the rhyme scheme and structure, I think it's interesting how the placement of the rhymes are varied. Like, not every line rhymes and sometimes shorter couplets are nestled in with the other words.

--
:star:Rules are like paperclips: meant to keep things together, fun to bend, and easily twisted out of shape.
:star:There is no problem the human mind cannot solve or create.
:star:Step One is learning the ropes. Step Two is chewing through them.
Reply
:iconlucrecia1337:
Absolutely lovely piece, i think it flowed quite beautifully

I personally think the first and last stanza are the best ones, they really do get across all of the feeling involved and give a very clear message. I wouldnt say any of t sem particularly forced at all!

A very nicely written piece, i love the rythem it has to it.. So just in general i love it!

Must fav!
Reply
:icondevilicious:
i think its gorgeous in every way

--
art takes courage :heart: :devilish:
Reply
:iconghostlove:
*ghostlove Sep 22, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much Mary, and thanks for the favourite. :love:

--
Ghostlove | Flickr | LiveJournal | Shut Up, Sit Down
Reply
:iconthisisnotoneword:
"Stay truthful, stay faithful, stay loyal and true,"

That's the only line that seems forced in this poem only because the of the words truthful and true. There should only be one of them there, the other should be replaced with something else, but I wouldn't worry about it too much, because it does not interupt the flow.

This was written absolutely brilliantly. I love the language, the feeling, the message. Outstandingly beautiful.

--
May the fleas of 1000 afghan camels infest the crotch of the one who fucks up your day and make their arms too short to scratch with. :aww:
Reply
:iconghostlove:
*ghostlove Sep 11, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
I know, I'm trying to think of replacement words which fit in with the rhythm. Any ideas?

--
Ghostlove | Flickr | LiveJournal | Shut Up, Sit Down
Reply
:iconthisisnotoneword:
If it were up to me, I'd change truthful with steadfast.

--
May the fleas of 1000 afghan camels infest the crotch of the one who fucks up your day and make their arms too short to scratch with. :aww:
Reply
:iconcaptainquirk:
Your avatar is brilliant.

--
:star:Rules are like paperclips: meant to keep things together, fun to bend, and easily twisted out of shape.
:star:There is no problem the human mind cannot solve or create.
:star:Step One is learning the ropes. Step Two is chewing through them.
Reply
:iconthisisnotoneword:
Thanks

--
May the fleas of 1000 afghan camels infest the crotch of the one who fucks up your day and make their arms too short to scratch with. :aww:
Reply
:iconghostlove:
*ghostlove Sep 11, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
That's a good word. :nod:

--
Ghostlove | Flickr | LiveJournal | Shut Up, Sit Down
Reply
:icon:
Add a Comment:
 
deviation in storage by *ghostlove
deviation in storage by *ghostlove